First Mini-Dress!

All I wanted to do was buy a stove top espresso maker.  That was the plan as I walked into the mall yesterday, smack in between the busy-ness of touching down at the airport after nearly two weeks away from home, and a three-hour drive to New Jersey for a Spiritual Retreat at the sanctuary of the one and only Masha Penson.

I get a little edgy if I don't have espresso in the morning, brewed to the specifications to which I've grown accustomed:  the steaming contents of a size medium Bialetti pot, four tablespoons of light cream, and 3/4 tablespoon of honey.  Pure Bliss.  I'd been ten days without this morning elixir and could take no more, so in I popped to Colonie Center and the Coffee Beanery, where they sell great equipment and accessories.

Sorry, espresso always gets me off on a tangent.  So yesterday afternoon, I'm sailing out of Colonie Center with my shiny steel espresso pot and making a beeline for the New York State Thruway when I was stopped cold in my tracks by an orange dress hanging in the entry way of an eyebrow-threading boutique adorably named Arch. They specialize in brow threading and Mehndi tattoos so it was surprising there was clothing at all, but the orange work of art with black embroidery literally shouted to me across the corridor, where ironically, I was bypassing one of my former passions:  those hot and sticky cinnamon buns the size of doorstops.  Or as I like to call them, the binge-eater's version of shooting up.

Even before pulling the dress off its silver hanger I could tell it was one of those above-the-knee varietals ...the blithe and airy dresses I'd only seen on other women.  That's when the heart started racing.  Was the world ready for this?  Was I?  Before I'd fully yanked the apricot-colored fabric all the way over my head, my inner-knowing kicked in, and I realized I'd be walking out onto public asphalt wearing the little orange dress.  Good thing, because it fit perfectly...something I wasn't sure would actually happen after 10 days of semi-recreational eating (an occupational hazard of the travel writer).

I loved the way it looked and felt on me, but this was a MINI dress. The thought of walking out from behind the black velvet dressing room curtain terrified me. I first poked my head out, then the rest of me...eyes fixed on the boutique owner and the woman she was waiting on. Uncensored first-few-seconds-of-viewing reactions were what I was after.  If they looked aghast or tried stifling a laugh, that would be my sign to 86 Operation First Mini Dress.

But there was no suppressed laughter, and I detected no flashes of disgust or pity.  I realize it's wise to take a salewoman's oohing and aahhing with grain of salt, but Sarah either really loved the little orange dress on me or has missed her calling as an Academy Award caliber actor. Besides, every fiber in me was pulsating with joy.  I loved everything about the dress, from the color and embroidery detail, to the price, and the way the lightness of the fabric danced across my skin.

Some of you regular readers know that an ongoing theme of my transformation has been that of visibility.  Other ways of putting that include allowing myself to feel vulnerable, making frequent trips out of my comfort zone, and confronting fears for the sheer challenge of it (like skulling, parasailing, or letting a man get to know me).

For many years I was hidden.  Literally and figuratively. Carrying the burden of nearly 200 pounds of excess weight plus the unquantifiable emotional pain that accompanies it has a tendency to wreak havoc on your Life force.   I don't know if in my former state Life avoided me or I avoided Life.  I do know now that Life responds to how I approach it.  When I started paying attention to who I really am, stopped drugging myself with food, and started deconstruction on the wall of protection, Life responded with Amazing people and situations...some of whom seemed to be literally airlifted into my lap. Without me orchestrating it. That's the beauty of Life and its responsive nature.

So how could I not (grain of saleswoman salt and all) take this dress and love it?  Yes, I was not entirely comfortable walking out the door wearing it. My breathing was guarded and shallow as I sensed wind and sun on my knees...I may have even looked nervously around the parking lot to see if there was a lurking cop. I felt like I'd just broken a major law of proper conduct.  But I kept on walking.  You know why? Beause I can't remember the last time I said no, turned back, and not taken a challenge by the hand.  So why start now?

Year Three

It was three years ago I made my annual pilgramage to Virginia to visit my sister and drink in the newness of another Spring as the earth awakened with pale yellow daffodils, cherry blossoms the color of cotton candy, and technicolor tulips, all amid the musical notes from the Robins as they prepped for impending parenthood.

There was something else awakening in April 2009.  Me.  I was four months into a life transition so profound, I knew that to attempt to put it into words would be a futile effort.  So I said nothing to my sister as I arrived at her doorstep after a ten-hour car ride.  But I didn't have to say anything.  'Wow' was the first syllable out of her mouth.  Dory last saw me over the Christmas holiday, but even in that short time, the physical changes had dug their roots deep enough for them to be, in her words, 'dramatic!'

Like the nearly 200 pounds of excess weight I carried for 20 years, the 40 pounds I'd dropped since January was merely a symptom of the underlying cause.  In this case it was a state of peace and balance that shifted me from the inside out, making binge-eating not nearly as necessary as it once was. I cleared away the emotional debris and demons that had tormented me for so long.  The short list, in no particular order:  a crippling reflex to people-please, a toxic job, and an unhappy and unfulfilling relationship with a man who was kind and good-hearted, but not right for me as a life partner.

What I'm trying to say, and what I ultimately discovered after years of chasing my tail in circles is, that attempting to solve such deep issues by focusing on calorie-counting, fat grams, food combining, and all the other dieting smoke and mirror diversions was one of the biggest time and energy wasters of my life.  Because all that did was direct me away from the throbbing core of my real issues and into a safe-haven of a La-La Land where I could float obliviously above the turmoil and pretend that all I really needed to do was give Medifast another try. Problem solved.  Right?

Well, I'll give you a hint.  I've dieted since the age of 9.  Regained 100 pounds back twice. And weighed in excess of 300 pounds for 20 years. Corralling food groups into a particular order, or heirarchy, numeric quantity, or timetable did nothing but keep me stuck.

In some Magical way, as only Life can, Life knew I was ready in January 2009. Because those 20 years of being a Big Girl weren't just spent eating. There was plenty of therapy, 12-step meetings, journaling, crying, and ultimately laughing, as I discovered my worth as a human being had nothing to do with the numbers on the scale.  That was a major spiritual lesson I had to learn...and quite possibly the very reason I incarnated where and when I did and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

But Life stepped in that particular Jaunary  (see the YouTube video on the previous blog for more details) by  putting situations and people in my path to wake me up, make me see I could no longer live in a state of denial about the pain I was in, and last but not least, putting two Angels on either side of me to walk me through the withdrawls of trance-eating and the foods I'd been addicted to for so long.

Their names?  Dallas Page and Terri Lange.  Both of them I consider to be two of the most honest, kind-hearted, and physically fit people I've met. And believe me, in all my years of grasping at gurus, saviors, diets, and other straws, I encountered truckloads of charletans. Dallas and Terri walk the walk.  Thanks to YRG and clean eating (no gluten or dairy) Dallas looks and moves better than he did in his 20's, and Terri has kept her weight off for ten years.

They helped me for sure, but the key ingredient was, I was READY.  Ready to take a look at my life, ready to put a few healthy boundaries on my habits and food choices, and ready to listen to their advice.  I didn't look at the road ahead.  I didn't really care about the road ahead.  I only knew I wanted my Life back.  The life I never thought could be possible, but very secretly longed for.  I didn't care how fast the weight came off, only that the changes that I made felt natural enough to live with longterm.

I told no one.  In my mind that would have implied I was beginning another diet.  And those for me have invariably had disastrous endings.  But that spring day I arrived at my sister's doorstep, the transfomation was chugging, full and steady steam like a freight train.  I felt it.  She saw it.  We rejoiced in it.

Three years later, I'm back for another visit at Dory's Virginia Shangri-la. The springs blossoms are exquisitely beautiful and so is my Life. Like my mentor, Dallas, I look and feel better than I did in my 20's and I'll be 47 this year.  My intent is to walk a similar path as my other mentor, Terri, and keep in balance long-term.  I know it's doable.  I know obsessing on it is useless, and I know that remaining in a state that centers around self-love, gratitude, compassion for others, and feeling with awareness is the key.

I Thank God everyday for the Miracles of Spring...and of Life. Keep your eyes open for Miracles...they are not only everywhere...they're normal.

Hope Springs Eternal

It's official:  Spring has arrived, and more importantly, there is ALWAYS Hope:

Rising and Living

Two friends and the e-mails they sent last week inspire this entry.  My friend Joan (also an amazing photographer www.forwardvisionphotography.com) was digging through her archives and sent over this Mardi Gras photo which sent me back to 2003 when I was waist-deep (at least) in denial. And not just over my size…that was only the beginning.  I put lots of energy into looking anywhere but in the direction of my present reality.  Specifically, I didn’t want to look at or deal with in any way two things in my life which really needed immediate attention:  a career that centered around a stressful, negative, and emotionally debilitating work environment, and a 15 year relationship that had dragged on for about 14 years too long.

My conscious mind was glib about the whole thing, playing its usual smoke and mirror tricks that I could go on living the way I was, life wasn’t all that bad, I wasn’t all that unhappy.  But on a gut level I knew I was fooling myself. Not surprisingly, I often told my gut to shut the f*#@k up back then.  And wow did I pay a price. Not just in pounds, but in sadness, frustration, and a large part of my life spent being nearly lifeless.

I may appear cheerful in this photo but it was my smile, not the green rhinestone mask that was the real disguise. Looking back, this position of passivity, of being overwhelmed by my personal life, was a big part of why I gave up and accepted that I’d be 300 pounds + for the rest of my life.  I would need food to dull the pain.  If the pain wasn’t going anywhere, then neither was the food. And I made sure I had elaborate supplies of it at all times, just in case the anesthesia started to suddenly wear off.  It wasn’t the perfect plan, but it was the only plan I had for dealing with life and all its complexities.

And then Life (as it often, and mercifully does) pulled the rug out from underneath my carefully self-constructed comfort zone.  The job got more and more toxic, which turned out to be manna from heaven in the long run because I finally gathered the courage to permanently evacuate and never look back.  That was seven years ago and it was truly a turning point in my belief system, a declaration of what I did and didn’t deserve.

Now about the other half of that equation…I knew when I left the job at Misery Central I still had one more major stone to heave off of my chest, but I chose to marinate in denial for another five years, thinking that if I just looked the other way, I could get away with it. Life once again met me more than halfway, shifting the tectonic plates of my complacency and catapulting me into a face-to-face position with a mirror I could no longer look away from.  And the realization:  I was half alive at best, bound by the lies I was living.

The day after Joan sent me the photo of the ghost of Mardi Gras past, an e-mail from my friend Neal (an amazing writer) arrived that contained a reference to Lazarus being raised from the dead (John 11:44), and walking out of the tomb bound in grave clothes…even his eyes were wrapped in cloth. Neal and Joan had know way of knowing how amazingly their e-mails related to one another…but someone did.

In celebration of my own rising out of the grave that was once my habitat, I took some fresh Mardi Gras photos this year.  The physical changes are the most obvious, but I’m different in so many ways that will never be tangible, but I feel them.  In every moment of every day, I feel them.

Does YRG Really Work?

Well....you tell me.

Below is me on my first plane ride as a non-seatbelt-extension-wearing citizen. It was late September 2009, 125 pounds lighter 9 months after beginning my YRG Journey. Truly a euphoric moment, and you can see the Joy radiating off of me, emanating from every pore. Sure it's great to look better, but the sense of physical and emotional freedom is priceless. And as my fitness guru, Diamond Dallas Page says, nothing tastes as good as Excellent HEALTH.

Fast forward to February 24, 2011, approximately two years after I started doing YRG, stopped drugging myself with food, and started paying attention to who I really Am. I'd flown several times since September 2009, but for the heck of it, whipped out my camera and asked my seat mate to snap a shot - I wanted forensic evidence of just how much leftover belt there is now - I'm still reeling. YRG for LIFE!

Not Your Average "Before" Photograph

This Is Not Your Average ‘Before’ Photograph
Or
Get Up And Dance – No Matter Who’s Watching!

Note:  This blog reads better with the following Cheryl Lynn groove playing

Many of you have seen this now-infamous ‘before’ shot of me at a 1996 wedding. It’s pretty clear from the angle and the billowing dress that I weigh in excess of 300 pounds.  Because of that inescapable fact and other less obvious reasons, the spark of my life force is unmistakably muted in this photograph. Carrying that amount of excess baggage in the physical sense siphoned an enormous amount of energy from me.   And then there was the impetus for the physical baggage in the first place:  I had stopped paying attention to who I really am, what I really want, how I really want to live. 

Quite simply:  I believed Happiness was out of my reach.  And since it was meant for others and not me, I ate to dull the emptiness and dissatisfaction.  But it still thundered within me. That’s the thing about addiction; it doesn’t really take care of the problem. But eating was the only tool I had at the time, and as you can see, I went with it.

On the surface, this photograph of me looking lifeless at age 30 in a prototypical Mother of The Bride dress seems like the cautionary tale that most ‘before’ photographs are. 

But this snapshot in time is far more than a warning.  It’s a tribute to the possibility of conquering odds. Swimming upstream against the majority is where my transformation really began.  Not in January 2009, when I began the process of releasing weight.

This upstream voyage was a crucial part of my learning on the path I walked of pain, so-called failures, and even Joy.

Believe it or not, there was Joy involved for me at the wedding reception of my friend Bill Richmond and his wife, Tracy. I may not have loved where I was physically, but I was in the middle of a very important life lesson and without it, I wouldn’t be writing this blog entry today at half my size.

I was speeding full-throttle into the unknown territory of Loving myself no mater what the scale said. Anyone who’s ever spent even a little time in the United States knows what a radical and courageous and outrageous move this was on my part.  Look at me.  By every standard measured against me by the society I was raised in, I should have been at home with the blinds down in a fetal position.

Believe me, for a long time, I bought into the delusion that people of size aren’t quite fully human.  There was no major moment of epiphany…just gradual increments of awakening to the Truth.  And when I began to see and more importantly, feel the Truth about the unchangeable nature of my worth, it became easier and easier to question the messages from outside ‘authorities.’

I began getting more and more comfortable with something:  A flicker of hope at my core that would not die. Lit from a mysterious source, an unknown place, it remained intact, even after all the years spent trying to kill it.  It emanated this clear message: ‘I Deserve.’ 

I was far from being in a state of happiness and balance, but I was on my way.  That’s the magic message I want to give you today.  Start right where you are.  I did.

What this photograph doesn’t reveal is the rest of what unfolded in that ballroom of the Saratoga Springs Holiday Inn: The DJ let one of my favorite and most life-affirming disco songs of all time rip.

It’s pulsating bass called me as I sat there, safely anchored in my chair. It called me again as I hesitated. I didn’t love how I looked.  I was way bigger than anyone in the room.  How would me up there on the dance floor look? What would they think? And then I realized that getting out there and being in those few moments of joy while this amazing song played mattered more than the doubts. So I did it. In front of everyone. 

I didn’t wait for the magic moment of looking a certain way. My transformation had already taken root and it got a major growth spurt that day on the dance floor as I took my place under the glitter ball, arms open wide to whatever lay ahead.


Just for you, I’ve included a long version of the song, hopefully you have it playing loud.  And now you still have time to get up and dance. No matter who’s watching.


 

Photograph: 

Joan Lentini

www.forwardvisionphotography.com

Dinner Tonight

Thank God for Eggplant. 

Its chameleon-like nature has rescued me on more than one occasion. (See the 2010 post for Eggplant Latkes)
http://staceymorris-hungryforthetruth.blogspot.com/2010/01/when-going-gets-toughthe-tough-make.html 

Tonight, the urge for a salty bag of potato chips struck, as it does from time to time.

Here's what I did instead:

Meal rounded out with homemade vegetable broth and brown rice. And a few hours later, an egg white protein drink with raw cacao powder, 'cause I was cravin' chocolate. 

Yeah, OK, it's winter, I've got the blues, and I'm going through some stuff. So in between sessions of feeling the feelings (ignore that one at your own risk), I eat well without taking a wrecking ball to my Health.

Bon Appetit and Love Yourself Well

♥